marriage in the 21st century, part 2

A couple of weeks back (June 22), I posted a link to an article in The Atlantic called Let's Call the Whole Thing Off, which addresses - among other things - this question: "Isn't the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?"  My response ranges the gamut of thought/emotion . . . and I do think Loh provides an excellent overview of the perspectives on marriage/divorce/sex held by many of our friends, neighbors, and co-workers.  For that reason alone, the article is worth reading.  Little did I know that several other events that week would keep me thinking about these same topics:  Jon & Kate Gosselin (of TLC reality show fame) announced they would be getting a divorce - and then a day or two later, SC Governor Mark Sanford returned from his mysterious "time away" and disclosed an extramarital affair.  Not a good week for marriage in the media.  That Friday night, a few friends and I were talking about the week's events and one of them said all of it had put her in a funk - and I had to agree. It all felt so very disillusioning.

There are still many thoughts running through my head as I mull these things over - I guess more than anything, I'm saddened that the vast majority of attention given to marriage by our culture is when things go wrong in people's marriages.  While these recent public events (which seem far too public) demonstrate that marriage is made up of two people (neither of whom are perfect) and that marriage necessitates work in order to be successful, I keep wishing for a news item highlighting those who have stuck to their marriage commitment.

I am by no means a perfect person - I mess up every day, often through the sins of my choosing. I've also never been married, so I don't claim to understand the in's and out's of how a marriage works.  However, I am consistently grateful for the couples in my life who are honest about the reality of marriage - the joys & fun, the hard stuff, the ups & downs, the refining process that takes place.  And it is these couples that I wish our culture was hearing about and learning from!  I say all this because I don't want my thoughts here to come across as judgmental or simplistic - it's more that I want to "draw a line in the sand" of our culture and offer an alternative.  To that end, here are a few of my miscellaneous thoughts:

+ As mentioned already, Loh's article does seem to do a good job of summarizing secular thought on marriage & divorce.  I found the 4 types of successful marriage cited to be interesting (romantic, rescue, traditional, & companionate), as well as the 4 personality types (builder, explorer, negotiator, director).  However, I don't think labeling one's personality or marriage type gives just cause for leaving a marriage when things get hard.  A repeated theme in Loh's article is not wanting to put in the work that marriage requires (which she does acknowledge) - which begs the question of why she's willing to invest time/energy elsewhere, but not in her marriage.   What are your thoughts on these parts of the article?  Are they accurate?  How does a couple's commitment to faithfulness in a marriage work itself out when personalities clash or expectations aren't met?

+ Loh doesn't seem to be religious, so I don't think it is reasonable to expect her to share or take into account God's design for marriage.  However, as with so many other things, I think the practicality of God's design is evident in the idea of lifelong marriage - I simply do not believe that Loh will find true fulfillment in pursuing "serial monogamy" on a four-year cycle, moving on to the next person when the sexual attraction runs out. (As an aside, the original meaning of "monogamy" was being married to only one person in a lifetime; "serial monogamy" is an oxymoron in my book.)  The exaltation of sex-on-my-terms as the definition of a good relationship/marriage seems only to be more and more prevalent.  And everywhere we turn, we can see the costs our culture is paying as a result.  As hard as it is to acknowledge, sex is not a right or a need - it's a gift.  And thinking of it in that light flips one's entire perspective upside down when it comes to marriage.

+ While my personal opinion is that Governor Sanford has perhaps shared too much with the public, I have been grateful for elements of his honesty.  Most striking to me was his comment that "it all began rather innocently."  That hits the nail on the head when it comes to describing the power of sin's deceptive capacity.  It's just like in the garden: "Did God really say . . .?"  For me, Sanford's situation reminds me that none of us are above temptation and that the need for accountability in our lives (whether we're married or not) is a must.

+ Perhaps the one glimpse of redemption seen in all this is in Jenny Sanford - who continues to say that she will forgive her husband and is willing to work on their marriage with him.  Wow.  That is truly forgiveness lived out.  As I learned so powerfully in Rwanda, forgiving someone is an action, not a feeling - something that is chosen, and sometimes chosen on a daily basis. 

OK, enough rambling for one post!  There may be another post about this later - perhaps that will highlight some of the couples around me who are daily choosing to faithfully honor their commitment to one another and their kids.  Thank you to these friends (you know who you are!) for offering real-life, everyday illustrations of God's good plan for marriage - it is redemption-in-action, and I am confident God is using your marriages to point others to Him.